Tuesday, April 30, 2013


Let's call him Cadillac. His eyes were beautiful, deep, dark, but dirty. I was just a teenager and he was only a few years from thirty. I couldn't wait to get out of classes to wait for his Cadillac to pick me up from the subway station. I felt rebellious because I knew it was wrong, at least according to society.
It was anything but a relationship, though he swore he loved me. The tinted windows of his whip hid me from the outside world, a place which he felt we didn't belong. I was his shame. Not only was he more interested in being someone else, his high profile career subliminally directed him to perform the role of a heterosexual. What would his radio DJ friend say? What about his brothers? Not to mention his employer...

What looks good, isn't always good for you...
I kept telling myself that the kisses were real and the love he claimed he had for me came from his heart. I wasn't allowed to exit his vehicle when he'd made a stop at Walmart. Dinner dates included a Checkers drive-thru with a hood over my head...and later, a good fuck to the music of R. Kelly.

The downlow lifestyle is a sad one, pathetic if you ask me. The lies they tell to others are nothing compared to the lies they tell themselves. Now I admit, I was naive, but I was just the prey, young and feeling at ease. My love for the alpha male introduced me to a plethora of bedrooms. I've even fucked beside a nightstand where a WIFE in a frame would smile at me ignorantly.

There was a local celebrity, tall, handsome with hair long and a personality that everyone adored. There was a policeman, a drug dealer and a minister. These weren't relationships, not in the slightest, how could they be? Most of them didn't even know my last name, they didn't care to. Cadillac did, he knew everything about me, even my family tree. But a real relationship doesn't involve shame of the other person. It doesn't involve more sex than intimate conversation.

When I think of Jason Collins, I am excited to know that progress is being made. How could Cadillac feel comfortable being gay when there were none in professional sports who dared to raise their hand? He didn't see himself on the court, so he became what they expected. Collins is a small step in the right direction where a gay man does not equate to a man with a purse.

The reality is, gay men come in many forms, just like heterosexuals. Some are soft, some are strong, some are funny and some are introverted. Yes the flamboyant ones always make the T.V. screen, but the masculine ones still exist behind the scenes. What young men need is to be able to see that they can grow up as THEMSELVES and still be a man; still be NORMAL and still have cheering fans.

It took a lot of courage for Collins to reveal himself. I know what Cadillac went through and all I could see was hurt. He was afraid of losing all of his credibility. But what the world needs to understand is...
It doesn't take a heterosexual to be talented, endearing and overwhelmingly human.

Being young and dumb put me in a lot of unfortunate paths. This is why I'm in my late twenties and I've never had a relationship. I've had a lot of sex, but never quite have been able to find love or anything close to it. I've been told that one receives what they put out there...
So am I giving SLUT? LOL
Jason Collins as a Washington Wizard

I think I simply always wanted what I thought I couldn't have...and in actuality, I couldn't have these men, at least not completely. I wanted those ballers on the courts, I wanted the guy who winked at me while dining with his wife. I wanted to see what it was like to play on the other side; To partake in the forbidden fruit. Yes I was wrong but it did teach me a lot and it opened my eyes to the big broad world of DOWNLOW. I became aware that GAY comes in many forms and really, being heterosexual, may even be the minority.

Trust me, Jason Collins has a lot of company in the league and I am sure he's already had a jersey or two, down on their knees. (or vice versa) There is nothing amazing about being gay and playing sports or being gay and writing a report. We can do anything you can do. What is important is that the world is finally baring witness to the fact that, WE ARE AMONG YOU and we are normally diverse in every way. We come in many forms and we are here to stay.

Eventually, GAY won't make the headlines, it will just be. An athlete will just show up to Mr. Chows with his boyfriend and the press will simply say, "Well I guess he's gay...in other news..."

But that day has not come and days like this are necessary. This is one small step for man, One giant step for GAY-KIND!


  1. Great blog! Love it! Thank you for sharing!
    Xx Billy Charles

  2. If he did, it would have been on the news

  3. Thank You for Sharing a part of you that is so personal....I loved the openness and honesty within your Blog