Saturday, July 8, 2017


The funny thing about loneliness, is that you don't have to be alone to feel it. I can't place the moment when I started forcing jokes and faking smiles. It seems to have always been this way; Simply existing. Painfully, I tolerate the presence of people and the absence of myself.
Sometimes I think that we are all lonely, but some just hide it better than others. The crazy part is, most of us aren't even aware that we are lonely. After some deep introspection, I have diagnosed myself and maybe you can as well. Here are FIVE ways to tell that you are lonely.

 Social Media Addiction

"A selfie a day keeps the tears away"  There's nothing wrong with it, we all do it. We find ourselves walking down the sidewalk and encounter the perfect lighting. We snap a selfie, we wait for the LIKES, we look to see WHO liked the photo and we hope there are positive comments. But how many is too many? Anything over one selfie a day in my opinion is a bit too much unless you're an "INSTAGRAM MODEL" getting paid for it. However, multiple selfie's a day in my eyes is equal to a desperate cry for HELP. Not just for attention, but a cry out to the universe that screams, "I EXIST! WHY IS NO ONE REALLY SEEING ME?" You can't possibly be content with how the world sees you if you have to force yourself on your followers every hour with a brand new selfie. Ask yourself, Why am I posting another photo instead of really EXPERIENCING my day? 

Why do we take selfies with our friends for the admiration of strangers? These random people on social media like our photos but they will never send us birthday cards. They will never be there with you eating ice cream in the middle of the night if your boyfriend breaks up with you. Why do we want their approval? We just want to perform, but we aren't truly connected. I recall going to bars and thinking to myself, at least I'll get a good photo from this. Yet it's all fake. I didn't have a blast at the bar, but by looking at my smiling filtered photo, you'd assume I was the life of the party. Who am I trying to impress? It seems I am only trying to convince myself. See, I went out, I was around other humans in a social environment, LOOK WORLD, I exist and I am smiling! But I can't convince myself of it, even though the likes keep chiming on my phone, I have no one to actually CALL.

Are you obsessively reaching out to others on social media sites? Do you constantly feel the need to comment on gossip sites, hoping others will interact with you? Do you troll just to see if you can affect the emotions of others? Does it make you feel alive, just by the acknowledgment of pure strangers? Are you spending hours every day online, snapping, chatting, uploading and tweeting? How much time do you spend in the real world, face-to-face with others or merely being happy with what the mirror told you?

I pull out my phone and take a selfie from the "GOOD" angle that guarantees likes. I just wish I could FEEL the likes.

Feeling Disconnected

You hate the Thanksgiving dinners because you never seem to get full. Not from the food, but from the people who are suppose to be family. You see, we fill ourselves with food instead of real conversations with family members. You see them once a year but you've never seen their tears. The cousins who have never seen you without a turkey involved. The aunts who arrive and hand you money, but they've never called you on an August afternoon just because.

There are so many ways we cover up loneliness with false abundance and false connections. Our entire culture is lonely, thus the creation of Thanksgiving. We aren't giving thanks, we are inventing a time of year that we can feel comforted by. However Calendars cannot cure loneliness. I've covered myself with so many distractions. It's like the more people that are around me, the lonelier I become. I want to tell fake people to shut the fuck up with their small talk. I haven't spoken to you since college, we didn't talk much then and now you are showing me photos of your babies. Why? It burns even more, when the mouths move but the hearts are frozen. People ask, "How are you?" but they're rushing away, not giving an actual fuck. But back to you, do you feel like everyone is an actor? Do you often feel that no matter what anyone says, they are just being polite? When you are around a group of people, do you feel like your mouth is moving but you aren't really present?

They say stop and smell the roses...
But what about stopping and smelling each others spirits? What about the humans? Roses can't speak. It is truly insufferable to walk into work only to feel like a piece of a program, instead of a piece of humanity. Co-workers talk to you, but they have to be there. You have to censor yourself, so that you don't communicate too realistically. You must always adjust your essence to a work environment of fraudulence. You are here to be a drone. You don't feel valued, not because you fear could be fired at any moment, but because your boss sees you as merely a worker bee. It seems you are always at work and always having to exist in this fake sphere of interaction. And we all carry it with us beyond work.  Do you work well with others? It's a commonly asked question on the job applications, but how can you work well with anyone whose not even being themselves? You aren't even being yourself. It's a performance, you are playing a role. You are escaping to the bathroom every chance you get. Yes you work well with others because you know how to read a script, but during lunch, you're in the handicap stall, balling your eyes out. It's just like junior high.


How did I become an adult yet I am still waiting on text messages to be answered? Like a melodramatic teenager wondering if my friends put me on the back burner, I like their photo hoping they'll remember I exist. I look at all of the happy friendships on Instagram and I wonder what they share that makes them so elated. I look at my unanswered texts and I feel like a loser. If only we could box our human connections up in pretty Valencia filtered Instagram posts. If they only felt as good as they look on social media. If only those same people in the photos smiling with you, actually show up when the party is over. Parties are fun, but only because you are drunk or eating or being fooled by dance music. Why did I come in the first place? Why am I overindulging on the food?
Though I am skinny, food has always been a drug for me. Hell we all know what comfort food is. It's hard to remember you're lonely when you are making love to a Five Guys burger. It's just food, yet we feel so bad about eating at a restaurant bar alone. We eat comfort food because humans aren't comforting us. We eat because we want to talk about the turkey, rather than pour into each other during Thanksgiving. We need a delicious distraction.

What if families sat around a table during the holidays, and that table didn't have food on it?
I remember going to a new high school after tenth grade. The horror of it all still sends fear up my spine. The quintessential moment of walking into a crowded cafeteria and knowing no one, well that applies to my entire adulthood. I walk into rooms full of people and I don't know where to sit. I don't know where I fit into any of it. Even when I mingle with a certain subset of people, somehow I feel that I'm just performing and not truly engaging. This is why we as humans often congregate around food, it's a way to overindulge to distract ourselves from the loneliness that people make us feel. Yes, that is correct, most people are MORE LONELY when you add more people to the equation. Or what if it's just two of you? And you're naked?

Well overindulging in sex is a clear sign of severe loneliness. Its more than just promiscuity, you desperately NEED to feel some kind of connection with another human. For me, Sex is all about feeling but often times the more sex, the lonelier and more unfulfilled I become. A warm body isn't always an easy answer to being alone. After I cum, I look around me wondering how I can extend that good feeling. After all, he's already putting his clothes on and returning to his stoic form of expression. It can become an endless cycle, like a drug addiction, Searching for more sex but never achieving that ultimate high, that ultimate connection.

Sex can be the closest you'll get to someone, or it can thrust you away from them. Sex can take you deep into someone, but it can also make you feel so far from them. What guys have done to my body has felt amazing, but most of the time, I wasn't even there. It's like I was watching my own porn. After it was over, I had to come back to earth and realize, "THAT'S NOT MY MAN" and I will probably never see him again.

Partying way too often

We combat loneliness in our own ways. I have stuffed animals, Apple Music, Grindr, a bar tab and coupons for Popeyes printing out right now. There were times in my early twenties that I couldn't stay out of a club or bar. I would flirt, drink and dance the night way and do it all again the next day. I wanted to feel connected to others, but I was just a blur in the strobe lights to others. The people I met wouldn't remember me the next day and the friends who I went out with just saw me as SOMEONE TO GO OUT WITH. A club buddy and nothing more. The only sober times we spent together were when we were waiting in line to get into the club.

There is nothing wrong with partying, I love to have a good time, but sometimes we have to take step back and wonder if it's too much too often. Maybe stay in and have a movie night instead of going to that crowded club of smelly people. You can pour your own drink the way you like it at home rather than a bartender who stiffs you on alcohol content. Do you feel that you always have to go out just because its the weekend? Does it usually not even fulfill you? You keep doing it anyway, because lil' Jon's "SHOTS" came on the radio and now you feel its Friday and its time to get wasted. But you'll get wasted and you'll be unable to feel any connections. If you go out all of the time, but never feel like you felt when you sat by a bonfire in middle school with friends, then its time for adjustments. If you are truly connected and content with the people in your life, then you don't ALWAYS have to go out just to be around strangers or mere associates. If your social life always involves being around multiples of people, then there's no way you are connected. You are lonely, because that's a crowd. And crowds cannot give you all of its attention.

Dating Indiscriminately 

The truth is, you don't NEED to date anyone, at least right now. You will continue to breathe if you go a few months or years without a relationship. However, the TV ads and movies have you wanting that cinematic romance. Or maybe even just someone to argue with and have make-up sex with. You crave someone, anyone in your bed and in your life. However when you find someone, they make you unhappy....EVERY. TIME. Why? 
Because you're only dating them for their existence. You have not done your homework on yourself to find out who is the best type of person for you. These men, these women are just available, so you take them up on their offer. You may have good sex, even great sex but there is no deep connection. You move on from that fling to another one and its the same thing. You are searching for someone to play a role and not for someone to love. What is the point of dating if there is no path toward love? Without a path you will continue to feel empty with every new body that enters your bedroom. You are addicted to someone calling you "BABY" rather than someone who can really make your heart skip a beat. The fact that he or she can kiss your neck isn't special, it feels just as good as if anyone else did it.  There is nothing wrong with dating, or even dating multiple people, but if you are someone who dates and gets in and out of relationships quickly, there's a problem. That problem is loneliness. The cure is not another person, the cure is yourself. You have to realize that the more of these "Dates" you bring into your life, the less fulfilled you will feel until you FOCUS. A person who is not lonely can go a while without searching for a date or craving a relationship. They can sit with themselves and let the universe do its work. You, my friend, know good and well that this individual isn't THE ONE, yet they are in your bathroom brushing their teeth. You hate how they leave the dental floss all over the sink and the only thing you have in common is a love for red wine and 90's sitcoms. Why are they there? They are only there because your subconscious needs this illusion of companionship. It's a fraud. You don't need to rush into dating, sit back and get to know yourself. You are less lonely when you are alone. It sounds strange, but if you are constantly needing to date new people, then maybe who is missing at the table, is YOU.