CHECK PLEASE! ANNOYING DATE QUESTIONS

I may have been single my entire life, but boy have I gone on a trillion dates. Now in the gay world, that usually doesn't mean dinner and a movie. When "meet me there at eight" does happen, I am bombarded with questions that make me want to yell, "CHECK PLEASE!" 

It seems that gays aren't that skilled at "DATING" and it comes to no surprise to me. I grew up watching Lady and the Tramp and was forced to pin a stupid flower on a pretty girl for Prom. I always saw dating as something the heterosexuals do and something I was expected to do with girls. After being so miserable dealing with females who talked way too much at a dinner table, I was simply ready to get fucked and call somebody daddy. (I'm partially joking here) At least for my eighties-baby generation, us gay guys didn't exactly have a lot of practice with gay dating.

Here are some of the annoying questions that have been directed at me over a few dinner tables, coffee tables and slings, oh I mean, bar tables. 

WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?

Really? First of all, that is an extremely open ended question that is liable to unravel an angry filibuster about what I deserve and what I haven't been getting. The question also implies that something is wrong with me because I am not walking the family dog and picking up my adopted children from school. What you need to be doing is displaying something that will make me not want to be single any longer. Instead you are asking a negative question disguised as a compliment. It's almost as if you are thinking to yourself, "He looks too good to be single, something must be wrong with him. Maybe he's crazy." (A guy actually told me this before) Sure, what you mean is, "Oh you are handsome, how could you be single?" But you didn't say that, you asked me, "Why am I single?" and quite frankly, the question has reminded me that I am almost thirty and quite bitter. Now you have me looking around the restaurant at all these happy gay and heterosexual couples, wondering why I decided to meet a short bald guy from OKCUPID who is more than likely not going to ever be my husband. 

Beyonce, wait a minute bitch, you aint single! You don't know about my struggle!

You didn't mean to be rude with the question, but it's just one of those date questions created to fill up space in the conversation gap. I am not here to talk to a therapist about why I am single, I am here to have a Long Island Iced Tea and filet mignon without having to worry if my direct deposit went through or not. I prefer my free meals to be free of self pity. Thanks.

HOW LONG WAS YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?

First of all, I've never had a relationship and second of all, shut the fuck up. Does anyone really want to sit there at a date and think about their ex? Why would YOU want them to think about their ex? This is a new situation and you are there to get your mind off of your ex. That was the past, this is now. You need to bring some new silverware to the table instead of asking to see a fork from seven months ago that has dried up cheese on it. Does it matter what my longest relationship was? Or are you really just trying to see if I am capable of long term commitment? I think the latter. What you are doing is not too subliminal and it is downright tacky. It does not prove that anyone is better at commitment because they stayed in a relationship for a long period of time. It simply means they didn't find out he or she cheated until three years after the vows were exchanged. OK, I sound morbid, but really, you can be married to an asshole for seventeen years and be miserable. It doesn't mean you are great at commitment because you stayed around that long, hoping the diarrhea would start to smell like lavender.

WHAT TYPE OF STUFF DO YOU WRITE ABOUT?

Or a boy and a QUEEN....

Not all of you can relate to this, but my fellow writers most certainly can. I guess you readers see what it is that I write about; PEOPLE ASKING ANNOYING QUESTIONS!
Guys always ask me what I do for a living and I always respond, "I'm a writer"
Now writing has never paid one bill, but I usually don't feel like discussing my dead end sales job that I will probably quit in a week or two and the seventeen other side hustles that I do. So writer, will suffice.
But then the question always follows, "What type of STUFF do you write about?"
First of all, "stuff"?! Really? It sounds like you are trivializing the very important and timeless skill of writing which most people in this day and age cannot seem to do.
You see, it's another one of those open ended questions that I can't stand. I don't write about the same "Stuff" every time. I've written about a politician for a newspaper article. I've interviewed performers. I've written about Black gay exploitation on BRAVO in this blog. I have written about being molested, about God being evil and I wrote several plays and screenplays; some comedies, others dark dramas. I also write song lyrics, poetry and short stories, some happy, some sad. For the love of God, do not make me sit here and go over EVERY topic of everything I have ever written! A better question would be, "What inspires you to write?"

WHAT ARE YOU MIXED WITH?

Oh you like my eyes? My great grandmother is Korean

My response, "Oh I am mixed with shut the fuck up and nigga please!" As I lightly dab my chin with my white cloth napkin. Assumptive questions really don't deserve a serious response. So because my eyes go slightly up at the end it means I must have Asian in me? They always keep digging that hole. They can't resist noting my "Exotic" features. Really, I am exotic because I am not as dark as Wesley Snipes and my eyebrows take up half of my face? (True story but not his exact words lol) Is that what exotic means to you? The question makes you appear less evolved and it focuses on my physical which is rather dull. After all, everyone is mixed with something, but there aren't enough boxes to check.

ARE YOU THE ONLY CHILD?

Subliminal shade. Not going to work. No you nosey motha-fucka and you should have just told me I am a spoiled, self-entitled asshole who must have never had to fight for the last drumstick at the dinner table! I hate passive aggressive, sarcastic questions. No one just outright asks someone if they are the only child without subliminally saying something negative. It is a stereotype that people who were the only child feel people owe them something and they were spoiled as a kid. Well I don't like stereotypes and I don't like where this date is going. You asked that question after I asked the waiter where my basket of bread was. I guess it is spoiled kids syndrome to wonder where the fuck your damn free bread is. Niggas be trippin! lol

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT ME?

Here's something I'd like to know, Are you human??? 

Obviously not. You see me sitting here quiet as a church mouse giving sex eyes to the waiter. You already told me about your trip to Japan and the mouse that unpleasantly surprised you in your bed sheets. You already elaborated on your love of kickball and all the guys you've gone out with on your team. You did not fail to mention your entire job history, your dysfunctional relationship with your therapist and your allergy to porcupines. I think I have everything. I would like to know how you look underneath that Exit sign.


DO YOU MEET A LOT OF GUYS FROM ONLINE?

Yes I do. In fact, can we hurry up this because I have a European underwear model to meet at Ruths Chris after this. I meet so many guys from so many different websites that I can't even keep track of my STD status. Come to think of it, I didn't even get to eat a sandwich during my lunch break today because I was busy meeting Marty from Grindr at the Au Bon Pain. Actually, I had Phil from Craigslist meet me there as well, it's always better to kill two slutty birds with one diseased dick. How about you?

DO YOU LIKE POPPERS?


UMMMM............

UHHHHH............


WOW....................



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Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom....




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Swiftly walks toward the front door, never looking back. I may be able to catch the last ten minutes of Wendy Williams.