It seems that gays aren't that skilled at "DATING" and it comes to no surprise to me. I grew up watching Lady and the Tramp and was forced to pin a stupid flower on a pretty girl for Prom. I always saw dating as something the heterosexuals do and something I was expected to do with girls. After being so miserable dealing with females who talked way too much at a dinner table, I was simply ready to get fucked and call somebody daddy. (I'm partially joking here) At least for my eighties-baby generation, us gay guys didn't exactly have a lot of practice with gay dating.
Here are some of the annoying questions that have been directed at me over a few dinner tables, coffee tables and slings, oh I mean, bar tables.
WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?
Really? First of all, that is an extremely open ended question that is liable to unravel an angry filibuster about what I deserve and what I haven't been getting. The question also implies that something is wrong with me because I am not walking the family dog and picking up my adopted children from school. What you need to be doing is displaying something that will make me not want to be single any longer. Instead you are asking a negative question disguised as a compliment. It's almost as if you are thinking to yourself, "He looks too good to be single, something must be wrong with him. Maybe he's crazy." (A guy actually told me this before) Sure, what you mean is, "Oh you are handsome, how could you be single?" But you didn't say that, you asked me, "Why am I single?" and quite frankly, the question has reminded me that I am almost thirty and quite bitter. Now you have me looking around the restaurant at all these happy gay and heterosexual couples, wondering why I decided to meet a short bald guy from OKCUPID who is more than likely not going to ever be my husband.
|Beyonce, wait a minute bitch, you aint single! You don't know about my struggle!|
You didn't mean to be rude with the question, but it's just one of those date questions created to fill up space in the conversation gap. I am not here to talk to a therapist about why I am single, I am here to have a Long Island Iced Tea and filet mignon without having to worry if my direct deposit went through or not. I prefer my free meals to be free of self pity. Thanks.
HOW LONG WAS YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
WHAT TYPE OF STUFF DO YOU WRITE ABOUT?
|Or a boy and a QUEEN....|
Guys always ask me what I do for a living and I always respond, "I'm a writer"
Now writing has never paid one bill, but I usually don't feel like discussing my dead end sales job that I will probably quit in a week or two and the seventeen other side hustles that I do. So writer, will suffice.
But then the question always follows, "What type of STUFF do you write about?"
First of all, "stuff"?! Really? It sounds like you are trivializing the very important and timeless skill of writing which most people in this day and age cannot seem to do.
You see, it's another one of those open ended questions that I can't stand. I don't write about the same "Stuff" every time. I've written about a politician for a newspaper article. I've interviewed performers. I've written about Black gay exploitation on BRAVO in this blog. I have written about being molested, about God being evil and I wrote several plays and screenplays; some comedies, others dark dramas. I also write song lyrics, poetry and short stories, some happy, some sad. For the love of God, do not make me sit here and go over EVERY topic of everything I have ever written! A better question would be, "What inspires you to write?"
WHAT ARE YOU MIXED WITH?
|Oh you like my eyes? My great grandmother is Korean|
ARE YOU THE ONLY CHILD?
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT ME?
|Here's something I'd like to know, Are you human???|
Obviously not. You see me sitting here quiet as a church mouse giving sex eyes to the waiter. You already told me about your trip to Japan and the mouse that unpleasantly surprised you in your bed sheets. You already elaborated on your love of kickball and all the guys you've gone out with on your team. You did not fail to mention your entire job history, your dysfunctional relationship with your therapist and your allergy to porcupines. I think I have everything. I would like to know how you look underneath that Exit sign.
DO YOU MEET A LOT OF GUYS FROM ONLINE?
Yes I do. In fact, can we hurry up this because I have a European underwear model to meet at Ruths Chris after this. I meet so many guys from so many different websites that I can't even keep track of my STD status. Come to think of it, I didn't even get to eat a sandwich during my lunch break today because I was busy meeting Marty from Grindr at the Au Bon Pain. Actually, I had Phil from Craigslist meet me there as well, it's always better to kill two slutty birds with one diseased dick. How about you?
DO YOU LIKE POPPERS?
Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom....
Swiftly walks toward the front door, never looking back. I may be able to catch the last ten minutes of Wendy Williams.