Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Interview with Beyonce....and "Family"

Isayaah Parker: Beyonce, it is a pleasure to meet you and thanks for inviting me to your home! I feel honored that you're giving a rookie journalist like me a face-to-face interview for my new magazine, "DIVAFIED"

Beyonce: Rookie journalist? Nigga please. You said you write for Vanity Fair you lying ass stunt queen. What is a DIVAFIED magazine? You can get out of my mansion with that bullshit and take your dusty 90s tape recorder with you.

Isayaah Parker: Girl bye! I would love to get up out of this mansion. Your camel toe is stinking up this joint and its getting in my clothes, or is that your husband I smell? Crawling around in his cage. You only let him out for public appearances. Who let that camel out of Africa anyway?

Beyonce: Mathew, come get this hoe!

Mathew: Little faggot, raise up out of here, or I will blackball you from the entire media. You won't even be able to write for Mediatakeout once I'm done with you.

Isayaah Parker: Mathew, you know good and well Solonge is you and Beyonce's retarded baby. That's why she can't grow no hair. Take a moment and climb out of Beyonce's pussy and start paying attention to Tina's cobwebs.

Mathew: It's Mr. Knowles and me and Beyonce aint have no babies. But stay away from her pussy, it's mine!

Solonge: What the fuck is going on here? Mama, I mean Beyonce, can I have 20 bucks to go to the movies?

Beyonce: Bitch who the fuck said you can go to the movies? I told you to stay in your room. Where is my....umm....nephew?

Solonge: He's sick of seeing you; always holding him hostage on hay rides around your dry ass lace front with Joe Camel. He thinkin you his mama.

Mathew: You know Beyonce can't have any children, the least you can do is let her raise yours.

Beyonce: Umm hello, we got a journalist in the room! Shhh.....

Isayaah Parker: I knew it, bitch you aint no 20 something. Menopausal bitch. Looking like you were the House Slave that Harriet Tubman couldn't stand. Jay Z is probably younger than you. What's Kelly Rowland doing here?

Kelly Rowland: I'm here to set the record straight. Mathew is my daddy. He fucked my brokedown mama while she was working as a nanny at the Knowles compound. Mathew aint never done shit and Beyonce, you can kiss my bony cripsy black ass after you hand me my check!

Beyonce: Mr. Kelly please. You looking like an anorexic Serena Williams but manlier. Now take off that wack ass wig and un-tuck your dick, the cameras aren't here. My toilet needs to be cleaned, I just had diarreah and a period at the same time.

Kelly Rowland: Heffa please, you stopped having periods when you were making hoes "Say YOUR name." You dusty ass industry whore. I hope you fall down some more steps and go brain damaged. Then I'm gon' sell your gray pubic hairs on EBAY!

Isayaah Parker: Beyonce, why do you have that haystack on your head? You look like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz with that stupid look you always got on your face. Beyonce, how do you feel about global warming?

Beyonce: Global warming? I'm a Christian woman, I don't do those sorts of things.

Kelly Rowland: You stupid uneducated hoe. You know nothing about everything. Latoya just pulled up and she about to read you better than Jennifer Hudson did on the set of Dreamgirls.

Latoya Luckett: Beyonce, I've had enough of your non singing ass. I can sing circles around you and you know it. That's why you and your daddy always blackballing me. You scared cuz you know I will upstage you at any award show you raggedy ass bitch. Still wearin your mama's House of Disaster threads I see. I woulda thought with those millions you would at least get some Jimmy Choos, cuz them square toe heels make you look like a horse, or is it that dry ass weave you got sticking out of your neck. Rihanna is making you look like the clearance aisle of Marshalls while she paints Mac lipstick on your husbands camel dick.

Isayaah Parker: I have Keri Hilson on speaker. She has a question for Beyonce.

Keri Hilson: Beyonce you lying ass whore. I wrote 3 songs for you and you acting like you wrote them shits. You untalented bitch, me and Neyo been writing your shit while Latoya Luckett and Kelly Rowland been ad libbing your shit behind the scenes.

Beyonce: Bitch I told you before don't come for me! I thought I sent you to Singapore. Don't come for my voice. You sound like a ghetto Miley Cyrus in "Turning me On." Looking like an overgrown weed with eye balls. Bitch, you will never be on my level. Bow down like the rest of these bitches.

Tina Knowles: Anyone want some Creole biscuits?

Kelly Rowland: Fuck your biscuits you old Cowella Deville, Joker looking, curtain wearing Devil worshipper! How the fuck you owned a hair salon and you and Beyonce's kitchen is looking like Whoopie Goldberg's armpits?! Lookin like yall bought all the leftover wigs from the Beauty Supply store in the 9th ward of New Orleans after the hurricane.

Tina Knowles: Look hoe, I raised you, gave you some coin, you need to take your manly ass back to the white gay club. They the only ones whose checking for you.

Letoya Luckett: Where the fuck is my check? It's been over 10 years and a bitch is hungry!

Mathew: Bitch, the unemployment office is in my bedroom. Sit on my bed and take off everything but your tampon. Oh shit, what the fuck this hoe want? I thought I admitted her to the Los Angeles Zoo.

Michelle Williams: I escaped. A bitch is hungry, Tina, hand over that plate of biscuits.

Beyonce: Looking like a telephone pole with a hot air balloon on top.

Michelle Williams: Bitch you wish you was slender like me with your celluite and saggy ass titties.

Beyonce: Bitch don't come for my titties, you flat chested, whiny voiced, last minute Destiny's Child backup dancer.

Michelle Williams: I will fuck you up B! Say something else!

Isayaah Parker: I think I have all the information I need for the article.

Mathew: Security! Hold him down while I inject him. This is going to hurt Mr. Parker. Hand me the tape recorder.....

Kelly Rowland: I'm writing a book.

Mathew: Oh yea, grab these heffas too.

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