Monday, March 3, 2014

10 HOT WHITE CELEBS THAT I JACK OFF TO

Maybe it was the sweaty lacrosse players at my predominately White private school, or the Jesus camp full of hot White camp counselors on horseback, but I've always had a thing for smoking hot White guys.
Nothing like olive toned skin against my browns. I get off on staring into baby blues or hazel heart breakers while running my fingers through his hair. Here is a list of the ten sexiest White male celebs who have made for hot jack off sessions. Don't act like you haven't jacked off or played in your watering hole to these men!


#1 Matthew McConaughey 


(Uncle Matt)


They say everything is big in Texas...
This man has to be a sin. His Texas accent alone always sends me up the wall. "Alright, alright, alright!" I'm imagining him talking me out of my underwear. His eyes run up and down my body like a sex offender, and I am just an innocent little boy who is allowing this grown Texan to verbally molest me. He's got on Wrangler jeans and a tank top. He is soaked in sweat and his curly sun bleached hair is pressed against his forehead.
Mr. McConaughey, I don't think I should show you my private parts. "It's alright! Let's see what you got in those briefs young one! Show Uncle Matt what he likes. Alright, alright, alright!"

Let me press pause on the movie...HELL YEA!

Oh whatever you say Uncle Matt. He knows I can't resist his slithering southern accent and his confident swag. The way he always seems to be naked or shirtless in the films he's in is like he's beckoning me. Even when he stood up on that stage to accept his Oscar, he had me gasping for air. I would love to ride his rodeo. Lassos and lubricants. I would grab the bull by the horns and blow.

#2 Zach Efron 

(Brosky Zachary)


Oh Zachary, how you have bulked up since your teen idol days. You're in my age group and I feel like we have grown up together. You used to be so Disney corny but now you make me devilishly horny. I can't help but scroll through all of your beach photos. Your soaking wet body glistens in the Pacific sun and I have no choice but to grab my groin as I gaze at your chiseled abs. I love how you don't shave your pits, such a man. You used to look too innocent, too boyish, but now you' re a certified man. You had the audacity to be completely naked in "That Awkward Moment" and it drove me wild. I hate those girls who share your love scenes. You're such a hot jock, something out of a frat house. Or maybe you're a surfer? A surfer turned frat boy. I want to come to your frat house and get drunk with you. "CHUG IT BRO!" You yell at me with your deep voice. I have no choice. I do as I am told by my "bro." You are in a ripped sports jersey and board shorts. You look at me with crazy intensity with those baby blues. When we are too drunk to stand up, we lay down on the bed. Soon your board shorts are coming off and I bury my face in that pubic hair. I imagine its a huge mound of dark brown goodness. I bet it smells like the ocean.
Need help with that bro?
"Suck it bro!" You tell me as you gaze down at me with your mouth hanging open. I am like a little college girl who you managed to bag. Feel free to give your bros a high five after you release yourself all over my face.                                      I. WILL. CHUG. THE. ENTIRE. KEG.

I would lick every inch of your body bro. Your perfect smooth ass, your hairy armpits and that V-cut all the way down to your nut sack.
You seem vain, and I would expect nothing less than an amazing stripper performance from you. Nothing corny like Magic Mike, but seductive and sensual. Slowly take that tank top over your head and gaze at me with those intense eyes while you do it. That's right, your tight underwear are pushed down just enough, so that I can see the top of your pubic region.

You make me feel so perverted Zachary. I can't resist those nipples and that boyish charm. You love showing off that body. That California pretty boy face makes me feel like this is a teenage love affair.
I just want to meet you so I can smell your shampoo. I want to experience the majesty that are those eyes in person.
I want you. All of you. I will make love to your soul.


#3 Jared Leto


(JESUS)


Jesus, forgive me, for I am about to sin

30 Seconds to Mars? You better last longer than that, and I want to go beyond Mars. Take me to the Andromeda galaxy and beyond. I want to howl, convulse and scream. Your hair is something out of the Old Testament. You look like a sexy Jesus and I want to get down on my knees and repent. Please baptize me. Baptize all of me, in the nude. I want to be submerged in you because I know that you can pick me back up and have me walking on water. It is miraculous that you are over forty and look like a delicious twenty-five. Your eyes are similar to Zach's and your compassion for your family is even more of a turn on. Your Oscar speech was compelling. I couldn't help but melt when you started talking about people with dreams in places like Venezuela. You are so insightful, so humble and so damn Biblical. It's like the second coming and I want to wash your feet. I bet your breath smells like granola and your hair feels like silk.
I am quite confident that your love making is spiritual and Oscar worthy. But I am sure, that no woman has ever faked it with you.
I bet you use your mouth when making love and I am quite sure that your rod and staff will comfort me. I want to sin in the city of angels with you. I want to tempt you.
Oh Jared, I hear you like dark women like Lupita. But what about dark men like Isayaah? I will turn you out and leave no apologies. You like the itty bitty titty committee? Well I don't have any! So I'm even better! Now strum my electric guitar so I can feel the high voltage. Hit high notes on my microphone, then take a low bow.
Your music inspires me, your hair seduces me and your eyes drive me crazy. Take me Jesus! Amen.

#4 Channing Tatum

(Officer Dick)

"21 Jump Street" showed me that you really are a dumb police officer, who only pulled me over to screw me. I swear I was going the speed limit. Wait, get out of my car? What did I do? You slam me against the hood of my car. You pat me down. You make sure to check every part of my body, especially my ass crack. You reach between my legs and grab me aggressively. After all, I could have a concealed weapon. But the only concealed weapon I have is...

And I don't mind your big-for-a-white-boy lips all over my rifle. I also hear you are BIG for a white boy. 

I saw you in Magic Mike, but you kept that penis from me. Why? You had me rock hard in my theater seat and you didn't let me release. So here we are. I'm laid up on the hood of my car with your hard baton against my ass. You keep yelling at me, cursing with Ebonics like a wigga. You take your pants off and mine as well. You tell me you need to see if I am hiding drugs in my ass. 

The thought of these two making a gay porn together....*FAINTS*
So you spread my cheeks apart and bury your tongue in my hole. Oh officer Dick! Officer Dick! You handcuff me and I am left helpless on the hood of my car while you stick your big stick inside of me. Damn it's big! You flip me around and your lips meet mine. Your lips are so big, pink and succulent. You're an amazing kisser, so passionate. I didn't expect this. As soon as I hear fireworks you slam me back down on the hood. You fuck me like the meaningless rape session this is. No one should catch feelings with you. You're just a hardcore wigga in a police uniform who is here to dick me down until I have an asthma attack. Funny thing is, I don't even have asthma. 
FLATLINE _____________________________________________________________________

#5 Ryan Reynolds
(Pooky Bear)

You are too adorable to think of in a perverted way. I just want to grab your face the way my grandmother used to do and make baby noises at you. But then I want to ride your dick like Sea Biscuit.
Sorry. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH........
Your body is amazing. Your jacked body is surprising, and that's the way I like it. You know the kind of guy who is cute but nothing amazing. But then he takes off his shirt and its like BAM! It all comes together in more ways than one. Ryan, my pooky bear, you are so hot. From those puppy dog eyes to those hard biceps. I can't get enough of you. You looked sexy as fuck in The Proposal with your I-pod in your ears as you walked about shirtless. I was so aroused. I was so confused as to why Sandra didn't just ride you on set. 
You seem like you are so great at pillow talk. I bet you watch cartoons in your underwear. I would get down between your....
I think there is a common theme here, eyes. I love eyes. Deep set and intense. All these guys have it. I can't get enough. Get me lost in them.

Pooky Bear, I want to slow dance with you on a rooftop deck. Stare into your puppy eyes and have you tell me, you will be with me forever. I'll aggressively rip your dress shirt apart and attack your huge hard pecs. I want to suck those nipples and taste every ripple in those abs. Don't mind me, I am just spreading olive oil on your ass cheeks because I am preparing my dinner. You smell sweet and your big hands are so strong against my body. I feel protected with you. Even though this is a jack off fantasy, I can't help but think this is real. The way you look at me, it feels so familiar. I can see you in a movie and instantly feel like you grew up in my neighborhood, and now I've developed a crush. You're so tall, so bulky, there's so much MAN to enjoy!!!!! I bet you would make me laugh after sex. I bet you would be down for some kinky fun like vodka infused whipped cream on the nipples and sex on top of the washing machine. SPIN CYCLE.


#6 Joe Manganiello

(Alcide)


Any questions? 

I discovered this God through one of my favorite shows, True Blood. His character was perfect for his look. He's all WOLF. His sex scenes were the best ones to jack off too. Sure the other guys on the show were hot, but Joe had an animalistic way of fucking that was jack off GOLD! His huge, tight, plump ass, often made a cameo. The way his clothes would fall off as he turned into a wolf. The way he would grunt and grown. The manliness of him is unrivaled. He is all MAN. I want him in a flannel shirt, unbuttoned of course. Ax in hand as he approaches me from the woods. I'm on my back porch, waiting for him to finish a days worth of manual labor in the yard. He's so sweaty and he smells ALL MAN. He pushes me down on the wooden patio, rips off my jeans and fucks my virgin ass violently like the wolf that he is. He howls and groans, his spit for lube and his huge calloused hands all over my young body. 
Alcide doesn't know anything about foreplay. He goes for what he wants. He attacks and feeds his hunger. You better get ready, because there's nothing gentle about his touch. There's nothing small about his canine cock. He's got a huge mushroom head and thick veins popping out of the side. Bowling balls instead of nuts, he spews liters of cum feet away. He is a real animal. Not only will the sheets be ripped off the bed, but your skin off your back. He will fuck you halfway up the wall and leave your underwear dangling from the ceiling fan. It's hot as Hell in the room, because he is in it. Daddy Joe, Pack-master Alcide, TAKE ME! Take me right here, right now. I've been a bad puppy, I need you to daddy dog me. 


#7 Bradley Cooper

(Daddy Coop)

There goes those intense baby blues again. That wavy hair is enough to make you pull a "There's Something about Mary" on him. He's even got the most adorable nose! I just want to eat ice cream off of his body. A messy Sundae. Chocolate syrup everywhere. I'll put those big and low, two scoops of vanilla in my mouth. I'll make it melt!
"Oh Bradley! Oh Bradley!" I scream as he passionately kisses me with ice cream still in his mouth. I can't get enough of daddy Coop, especially when he throws me over his knee and spanks me. He loves to bring out his belt. He likes to be in control. He always gets away with it because I can't resist that smile. He's got so much nice in his eyes but so much bad in his swag. I love how he can go from the good responsible guy you bring home to mama, to certified bad boy in less than sixty seconds. He would be versatile in bed if he were gay. We would do it in the shower.


There is no denying, this man is drop dead gorgeous and dangerously delicious. He can sit down at my all you can eat buffet and celebrate FAT TUESDAY! 
I need him now, against the rocks on a seashore. Banging me like there's no tomorrow. I need to taste his chest hair, stick my tongue in his navel and titillate his taint. I would laugh at his corny jokes, then cry like a baby while he made sweet love to me on the recliner. Is there a reason why you are not jacking off to him? Get your lube, because this man is worth every stroke. Oh daddy Coop! Daddy Coop! Teach me a lesson! I will never go through your underwear drawer ever again! I am such a bad boy! Please don't spank me! Please don't spank....Don't....Ooooh spank me! 
SPANK ME! I AM SO SORRY DADDY! BRADLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


#8 Ted Tebow

(Teddy)


So everyone thinks I am weird for having a major crush on Teddy. But there is just something about this super rich jock that gets me going. I don't even watch football but I somehow know who he is. Maybe it's the happy trail...That man hair leading from his navel to his nether regions. It's a sexy hint as to the hairy mass that is down below, beneath that cup. I want him to come into my bedroom, in nothing but under armour. The sex expression on his face alone would curl my toes. His tongue is soon all over my body. I am squirming all over the bed, rolling around in the sheets with a massive man and forgetting my morals. I am committing sins on his body and he on mine. I lick the stubble on his chin, his musty balls and I smell his jock strap. I am a nasty fool for him and I don't give a flying fuck. This man has me wearing his jersey to bed and dreaming about touchdowns in my end zone. Tackle me Teddy! I am going to let you score daddy!!! Take it all the way home! Take it home Teddy! You smell like motor oil.

Fuck me on the grass, I don't care whose in the bleachers. I want it now. Damn you look so good in those tight pants, let me see what that ass looks like. I imagine it's a smooth firm ass with a lot of hair in the middle. I'd love to taste his juicy lips and feel his tongue go everywhere. Like a serpent in my mouth.
I would bury my face in his armpits and have him flex his biceps while I lick his.................................
Teddy is so damn fine. I don't give a fuck, I can be in front or behind. I love this all American hunk of meaty manliness. He's like one of those popular guys from high school who you used to peek at in the locker room. You always fantasized about what it would be like to sleep over his place. To wake up to his dick in your face. You always thought, yea, he's probably hung. But maybe it's just the cup. UNLEASH IT!

#9 Mark Wahlberg

(Marky Mark)

He is becoming less appealing as he gets older; I.E. check him out on his reality show, "Wahlburgers."
But that edgy Boston hustler swag still gets me going. Just like Matthew, he can talk me out of my underwear. That heavy Boston accent is an aphrodisiac. I loved the ole Marky Mark back in the day in the Calvin Klein ads. That was when he was at the height of his heart-throbness. The man is still in good shape and still commands a room. I wouldn't mind having a hoagie and beers with him. For some reason, we end up in some back alley in South Boston with my hands up against a brick wall. Mark is behind me, in nothing at all. He keeps cursing at me with that Boston accent. I keep calling him "Marky Mark" and he hates it. Every time I call him that he fucks me harder as punishment and hits me upside the head. BUT I LOVE IT! I think his bad boy image is what turns most people on about him. It's his body, his tough guy act and his around the way appeal that gets me to watch his movies in the buff. I love me some Marky Mark. I know he likes it rough.


#10 Brad Pitt

(Tyler)


The movie that inducted Mr. Pitt into my jack off catalog, was none other than, "Fight Club." Pitt's character, Tyler Durden was the sexiest man I had ever seen in a movie. I would jack off to several of the scenes. He was so fucking physically fit. So buff, so manly, and the film was so homoerotic. Nothing but macho half naked men every where. Nothing but Brad Pitt's succulent pink lips, seductive eyes and testosterone fueled anger. Tyler was the sexiest version of Brad in my opinion. He just exuded that hot delinquent whose always drunk at your local dive bar. You always want to take him home but are too afraid he's going to rob you for drug money. His character was so real. How could he still be so sexy with all that blood all over himself? Black eyes and cigarette breath, I would still ride him in a warehouse as all the angry fighters watch us. Tyler, I know the rules of fight club, But I want to know, can we fuck at fight club?

Did I forget how fine he was in "Interview with the Vampire"? He was the sexiest vamp I had ever seen. Brad does look good with long hair, just not with a long beard. Facial hair is not his thing. But I digress. He was the originator of pretty White guy. Jared and Zach need to pay homage. Brad has been giving beautiful Cover Girl face for decades now. It's a wonder how someone that pretty can also be so macho and sexy?

Look at those lips. That bottom lip is just sitting. Looking like a plump red vagina that needs to be fucked. His lips are something like a fleshlight. I just want to get head from him before I die! I am sure Angelina is getting amazing head. But I don't want to think about her pussy. I would rather think about Brad being seductively evil and luring me closer. BITE ME! Bite so we can fuck for eternity! EVIL IS GOOD.
This is overkill. Overalls without a shirt? You're killing me Brad!

8 comments:

  1. I'm speechless. LOL...except to say, I like your worded descriptions et al of each man. That's all I can say because...I'm speechless...and in a very good way!

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  2. You have a wonderful eye and expressive mind, my man!!! A beautiful list and I wouldn't change a single one. I'm glad to be following you.

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    1. WOW Thanks for that amazing compliment ROB #2
      Thanks for reading!

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  3. Brad não é só bonito. Ele é talentoso e inteligente demais!!!

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  4. Another great piece. I just want to say that I'd make Zach bottom for me!

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  5. Very good writing. I think you SHOULD be writing erotic lit. What 'chu waiting on? Hop to it. I enjoyed reading each one, the way your writing fits each personality type. Very astute!!!

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