Being a black agnostic never makes you popular, especially a preachers kid like me. But I stand tall in my beliefs of simply, "not knowing" and I ignore the critics. That being said, I don't believe in a red tailed, egotistical devil who lives underground and torments people for doing his dirty work in life. It seems to me that such a devil would reward his followers. Christianity just doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but you can find more of my thoughts on that in my earlier posts.
I've been trying to be famous for quite some time now. I guess it's the fact that I've always been invisible. Let's travel back to when I was in grade school; sitting in the back of the bus wondering why no one wants to sit next to me. I remember being a class clown but all anyone would do is laugh at me instead of really getting to know me. I've always wanted more attention, I've always wanted to be seen. Even in adult relationships I've been wondering why men see right through me. It's like I'm not even there, they treat me like a movie ticket, using me to get into a show, and disposing of me after. I've always wanted to inspire people, to tell stories, to perform, but getting famous like I want has proven to be a little more difficult than I thought. Yes I can audition for American Idol like I did in 2004 and get 15 minutes of fame, but its fleeting. During that time, I was exposed to a lot of celebrities and a lot of bullshit. I had men in suits following me and telling me who I could become. I had people trying to influence me, I saw shady people and shady things. I had a sense that I could join the club if I subscribed to certain things. The fact is, they will control you and the ones who can't be controlled, they want nothing to do with. Think about how easy it is for fame and fortune to be taken away from you. Toni Braxton for instance. This doesn't take away from my hustle, I still believe in myself and I WILL achieve my dreams whether in this lifetime or the next. The video above is a parody of what it seems like people have to do in life to be successful. Whether it's being a Broadway performer or a successful business person like Donald Trump, you're going to have to lose a large part of yourself if you want to play with the big boys. What the conspiracy theorists call it is
"selling your soul" to Lucifer to join the Illuminati but I don't think it's quite that Biblical. In all facets of life, we have to compromise and do things we don't want to get what we want. But the question is, what are you willing to compromise? Are you willing to compromise your morals?
If no one shows up to my one man show then that is fine, at least I am trying, at least I am performing. I'm starting to realize that it's not about the fame and glory, but more about the expression. More about doing something that I love to do for no reward. In life, we are constantly bombarded with notions that we need validation in everything that we do. In grade school, we don't learn just to learn, we try and do a good job so that the teacher can REWARD us with a gold star sticker. I used to be so happy when I got that sticker and so angry when I didn't.
I guess what I'm saying is, it's not about the gold star in life, it's about learning. It's about the profound things that happen when no one is looking. You ever feel like you are at your best when you are alone? Say when you are in the bathroom in the morning, ever feel really confident while singing and dancing in the shower? That's because there is no one there to judge you. You are completely YOU with no compromise or apologies. That's how we should all be out in the public arena. You don't sing in the shower to get a Grammy, you sing because it's silly and fun.
So before you sell yourself to a non-existent Lucifer, ask yourself, "Do I need validation?"