Friday, April 25, 2014


And they will bring this to the club....I THINK THIS SUMS IT UP....

These are the reasons I always end up frustrated after I leave a gay bar. After all, I have a better chance at getting laid at a STRAIGHT PUB anyway...Sorry Jessica, he showed me his wee wee in the bathroom at Union Jacks.

Queens who are angry at inertia

Any type of movement pisses them off. You brush passed them, you accidentally bump them or you breathe on them and they have a temper tantrum. They proceed to write their local congress person and the president of the BeyoncĂ© fan club. Actually, they hate anyone who dares to DANCE. The last time I checked, this was a club. It's like being mad at someone at a grocery store for shopping. If you're not trying to dance, get the fuck off the dance floor. Yea I elbowed you by accident, maybe because you're in the middle of the floor doing a duck face for invisible cameras. MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY! My song is on.

Don't believe the stereotypes, apparently not all gay men dance, or when they do, it's in the wrong location, such as the bathroom or in front of the bar while you're trying to order your drink. When someone dances on the actual dance floor, like myself, it's seen as "RUDE" The dance floor at a gay bar is meant to be a set for the tragic modeling shoot of four foot tall baby twinks. Delusional and desperate, they think they are Naomi Campbell. They lean on their protruding hip bones while looking for a cat fight. If this is your magazine cover, nobody is buying it honey.

Horny women at a gay bar?

I see you have your 6 inch pumps and your vagina is dragging all over the floor, but nobody is interested. No matter how aggressively you back it up on that butch queen, he's just doing it to attract straight loving bottoms. I need you to know your role, look cute and stop trying to turn everyone out. Yes women can be fun at gay bars, they are usually the only ones dancing besides myself. They come to express their sexuality in a way that will deem them a slut at a straight bar. Isn't it ironic? In my Alanis Morissette voice, the act of expressing your sexuality at a place where nobody wants you sexually. Sometimes it just gets out of hand and I feel bad for the butch queen who thought it was a friendly fag hag kiss, instead, her tongue is down his throat. To be honest, this only makes him more desirable and the bottoms take notice.

 Drink throwers
How I feel when I am covered in someone else's liquor at the club

Why people buy drinks just to get mad and throw them all over complete strangers eludes me. I just got these pants out of the cleaners and now I have vodka cranberry all over them. Newsflash, the rest of the club had nothing to do with Tony sleeping with your man, I'm going to need you to not shower us with your watered down liquor. They never get the liquor on who it is suppose to be on. It ends up all over me while I'm two stepping and pretending I'm in a music video. You just ruined my sexy pose. Now I have to find napkins.


I don't know how it is in the rest of the country, but here in Washington DC, there is a huge gay kickball craze! These H&M shoppers think that just because their booty shorts have a few grass stains, that it entitles them to a "manly jock" status. Mention a jock strap to them and they instantly queef. They play kickball because it's an excuse to wear booty shorts and have drunken orgies with their teammates. It's not a real sport, so they don't have to worry about getting dirty or injuring their bobs. Unfortunately, they tragically believe they are sports stars. They assure themselves, that their presence in the club is a gift to all who bare witness to their fraternal order of posers. They parade themselves around the bar, usually dressed in kickball tee shirts, knee high socks and tight shorts. They only deal with each other, if you don't have a kickball team shirt on, then you are not apart of the chosen family. They were chosen to lead the gay community. More desired than the gay cowboys. They, at least in their own minds, are sex symbols. I bet you assumed as much, but most kickballers are WHITE.

The Blacks join just to be around the White boys that they adore. You know, the White boys who constantly reject them otherwise. Now the White boys who are now their teammates, are forced to deal with them on some level. They merely tolerate them. The poor two or three Black teammates are always extra at the club, dancing wildly to try and make up for the fact that they aren't really apart of the family, they just wear the tee shirt. Those White boys need to fulfill their quota, but when the slumber party happens, you will not be invited.

Nothing more devastating than a club full of slutty kickballers, unless of course, the club is full of...
Drag Queens
Sorry, Did I strike a nerve? I didn't even start writing yet...
I love drag queens, there is nothing more entertaining than seeing a drag queen perform, and after five minutes has passed, I'm ready for it to be over.

I hate going to a gay bar, especially a smaller dive one, and not being able to enjoy my drink. Drag queens will make your night out a living hell. They usually have a microphone in hand even when they're not performing. God knows where they got the microphone, it's like they were born with one glued to their hand. They'll get on that thing and make comments about who you are with and how you are dressed. One time a drag queen told a patron that she could see his lymph nodes. That was the rudest most horrible thing I'd ever heard. (Swollen lymph nodes could mean HIV is present)
Try going out to a dance club with drag queens there. It's impossible to dance or get any attention while they are around. They take up half the damn dance floor with their hair and boobs, so nobody can see you behind Mount Everest with a wig.
Mommy I'm scared...

It may be your birthday, but you will be tipping a queen tonight, right after she tells the entire club that you have a cute ass and you need your birthday licks. Everything is tolerable, until that booming voice comes over the speakers. Seconds later, Cunty Clarissa is going from table to table bothering people like Kenya Moore and her bullhorn. I just want to hangout with a friend over beers, I don't appreciate being asked if I'm a top or bottom by a man named Cunty. I respect drag queens, I've even had sex with a couple of them. SOUNDS AWKWARD, BUT THEY WERE HUNG! WHERE DOES IT GO BEFORE THE SHOW? I usually just want to pass out xanax and plane tickets when I'm around them.


You know what's more annoying than a rude drag queen? Voguing baby gays. That dreaded moment when you hear that House music come on, you know the club has turned into a ballroom. Arms outstretched as their House sisters surround them, they take over the ENTIRE floor. This is when I leave. No, it's not martial arts, its a rite of passage for the baby gays. You won't see a 30 year old doing it, if you do, that is just pathetic. It always starts off as fun camaraderie between the baby gays who show off their skills of spinning and death drops, until another House starts competing. No, they didn't come to the club to simply dance, they came for blood. And by blood, I mean they are here to slay a bitch with twirls for the GAWDS!


  1. This post was freakin' hilarious. The gifs are priceless. I woke up this morning needing a good laugh and took my chances on your post. You never fail to deliver. A HOOT!

  2. ROTFLMAO! :D As always, both hilarious and insightful, and the gifs were perfect accompaniments! I'm over here DYING laughing at the President Obama one lolol...great job, duh, lol, and keep em coming! ;)


  3. Loved it and I have seen everything described, oh my !

  4. LOL - u r funny :)
    Funny guys get laid - right?

  5. Another wonderful read. I enjoy them more and more.