TRAGIC MIKE: Magic Mike Movie Review

I'll admit it, I went to see "MAGIC MIKE" excited about the prospect of enjoying big dicks and sweaty abdominal muscles thrusting on the BIG SCREEN, but I HOPED it would just be a perk to an intricate storyline. Unfortunately, thongs WERE the story and a story that Mr. Channing seemed to be rather ashamed of. Tatum Channing, Channing Tatum, Tater Tots, whatever his name is, can't write. (He apparently played some role in it's writing) His supposed BREAKTHROUGH role of playing himself in my opinion was his worst movie to date. How is it that you're playing yourself yet your acting is horrible? 50 Cent pulled it off perfectly, Channing...not so much. First of all, Mr. Tatum isn't the best actor in the world but boy were some of those supporting actors horrible! (The sister of "The Kid" having the same stupid tight lipped expression and longer than needed close up shots) The only interesting part of the film were the greased up half-naked specimens. But without a progressive plot, rising action, pay-offs and internal conflict that goes beyond sad puppy faces, I was left wanting more. I mean, if I just wanted a superficial night of blue balls, I'd just hit up a certain strip club in DC where I can enjoy LIVE TANGIBLE BALLS IN MY FACE. (If you're expecting masturbation material, this movie is not for you, I recommend porn instead)

I wasn't impressed with the film and I didn't even get to see Mr. Tatum's package! You do however get to see his tater tots (ass cheeks) I love "Alceed" from Trueblood but for some reason he wasn't jack off material in this film. Tatum should be in Ciara's next music video, he can dance his ass off. Don't waste your time with this film. If you want to see naked men, this isn't the film for you; download some porn. I mean, don't get me wrong, Tater Tots can move, he's got the moves that Jagger wishes he had in the bedroom and it had me imagining all sorts of X rated scenarios, but the problem was, there were NO X RATED SCENARIOS! Beyond that, the audience is continuously teased with character development that never follows through. The supporting actor, "The Kid" seemed to me like more of a main character than "Mike" with all his drug use, horrible interpersonal skills and overall downward spiral that is almost glorified. He managed to take Tatums horrible script and run with it because he performed the best acting of the entire cast. He seemed like a train wreck but I personally wanted the debris cleaned up. I was rooting for him but the writing didn't allow me to see him start the race. With "Magic Mike" I was indifferent. Watching his acting is like watching a wax figure until he morphs into something out of America's Best Dance Crew. You hate to see the stripping scenes end for two reasons: 1. Those dude are sexy as hell and 2. We want to avoid the porn film-esque acting and awkward dialogues. SHUT UP AND DANCE! WHAT WAS SO MAGICAL ABOUT MAGIC MIKE? I had no empathy for him. His personality?  Damn near nonexistent. His good deeds? He was way too nice to strangers who were indifferent to him and was portrayed as a good guy only because he was in the midst of drug users and egoists. It seemed that Channing wasn't honest about the scope of his mentality back in the day. I find it hard to believe that he didn't do hard drugs or slap a bitch who got out of line. Come on, he has that whole WIGGA vibe about him. I can see him slapping a bitch! And we all know gay men pay more handsomely when it comes to AFTER PARTIES...Channing, we know you left out certain aspects of your "Stripping" career. That magic stick has been at some glitter parties honey. Who you foolin?!
This movie was a hot mess and I couldn't even jack off to it if it were on cable.

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