Filthy Faggot Laundry

Filthy laundry

Blood stained clothes

Could'ave washed it long time ago

but this is what I chose.

Where the washing machine is

I sure don't know

How can I grow?

When this pain refuses to go?


I found my brothers poetry

After I let him bleed

Sad state of irony

I write his words

He'll never read...

He was close to me

Though not biologically

He was there beside me

When that asshole forced us into sodomy...


I've got all this burning pain 

in my heart 

I'd clean it out 

But

I don't know where to start.

Tried calling 911 

but no one would come 

Put out an SOS for love

But 

he was just trying to get some...

I thought butterflies fluttered 

in my heart 

But

They were maggots 

Eating my soul apart.

Pastor called me a faggot 

and what was worse... 

Pastor was my daddy.

He sent me off to camp 

to cure the curse,

But cute counselors only

Increased my thirst...

A year later,

Chronic masturbater,

Always online...

Wrong place to be wined and dined.

He was a baller

Way too old,

A shit talker 

decorated in gold.

Said he loved me

But his love was ugly.

He pulled the strings

Promised everything.

He was cold

His ice would never thaw

I did what I was told

He liked it raw...

Young and dumb 

over a nigga with Congo drums

Lost in his lies

Thinking I was the one. 

He taught me how to hate

Signed the ticket to a new fate

Best friend said no way

He can't be gay

He's in the NBA...

I met college with insecurity 

More than before 

I suffered in obscurity

Depressed positively...

I relived him

in every confession

Yet loved him even more

For the learned lesson.



Life deals many cards

it always seems to hurt

after you let down your guard.

My brother was my all

I remember

the last phone call

How you doing?

"Not too well"

Where have you been?

"I've been in Hell."

I should'ave gone over

But I was selfish

Brushed him off

Put him off

Because I was with HIM...

just trying to GET off.


I wanted to go

like he did

A suicide show

Jumping off the bridge...

I swallowed the pills

Grabbed the knife

But blood gives me the chills.



Now they cry...

     After I die

...Will they ask why?

Will they finally close their Bibles,

or follow bullshit like disciples?

Ever since I was two

I'd sit up in that pew 

feeling invisible 

Head hung low and miserable.

When they'd encircle me in the locker room

I was alive

When dad beat me with a broom

I was alive

When I painted morbid words on my walls

I was alive

You never put in phone calls

You refused to recognize.


I ignored

his and other people's tears..

For years

Replaced shows of vulnerability

with iron-faced fears.

Now other people's shit

is up in here becoming my career.

I smell my past

The shit in my ass

Suffocating in my dirty underwear

Can't get any air.

I try and buy new shit

to break free....

But dirty shit always shows up

in my shopping sprees.

Stains are forming on these fresh white tees

Somebody help me air it out.

What is he all about?

I don't want your hands on me

Don't care about your clout.


Dirt on my window

Filth on the floor

Hands shaking

Can't write no more.

I remember we were so close

Putting on puppet shows

I miss you most.

I'm good at making jokes

I'm good at giving toasts

I get hella Facebook pokes

Yet I cry so hard

I choke.


My misery is my only company

Nothing neighborly

about this gay community.

Love don't look like me on T.V.

and these Craigslist ads are eerie...

I remember my brothers words

You're beautiful, 

you deserve the best on this earth

I wish I could believe my own worth...

But I look into the mirror

and see hurt...


I'm a hot mess

but you've got to get dressed

You can still impress.

Leave me behind

in the fire

Go ahead and get

All that you desire.

My love was tough

but now I'm just old stuff

Quit hoarding me around

leave this dirty dog at the pound.

So long,

Fair well...

Fondly,

Dirty laundry.