HOW TO WHORE FOR HOLLYWOOD

WHORES OF HOLLYWOOD

I HIT IT FIRST....Where's my check?!

Are you not satisfied with the occasional glorifying comment on Instagram? Have you been jealous of your friends as they rudely text other people at dinner while your phone never rings, chirps or dings? Do you feel invisible and want to finally be noticed? Dare to be rich and famous? Seems you want fame for the wrong reasons. Or you want it for the right reasons...Maybe you are uber talented and want to share your gift with the world, well mere talent isn't enough. What does it take to make it big in Hollywood?  

THIS...

Lose all of your sense of individuality. The truth is, being famous has nothing to do with you. The most famous people in the world are not famous at all. No one knows who they really are. They are products, ideas, caricatures and nowadays, they don't even need to be talented. They exist like mannequins in a department store, there to advertise for the bigger company. They are mindless zombies. This is who you are to become. You're not expected to speak liberally. Your publicist will do the talking, through your programmed mouth.

Aint that ironic?

Allow for the creepy smiling people to take full control. This means you will have to ask permission to put your hair in a pony tail today. It also means that your personality is to be so exaggerated, that you forget what your real personality is at all. You want to be a huge star huh? Are you really ready for your big break? Prepare to be taken away from your family and lured into a life of materialism. Where cars replace a warm embrace and the people who come around you always want something, anything but a deep conversation devoid of ulterior motives. 

Welcome to brights lights and lonely nights. If you want to go all the way with this, then you need to understand, that it's all or nothing. There is no Devil to sell your soul to, but there is an establishment. If you're Black, you more than likely will need to White wash if you want those "Trump Checks." As NeNe Leakes said, "White is right." Do the nose, get the bleach, wear the wig. If you're Will Smith, play it safe and never upset the White people. Follow these examples, because Kanye pissed those White folks off and now he is falling, just like his song, All Falls Down. 

Be quiet! Let us speak for you.

How dare you have your own mind? You didn't play the game, now you're out of the running

Fame is something like America's Next Top Model. They are told to shut up and be marketable. If they go against the judges, the puppet masters, they will be eliminated. Killed? Think about the opening song, "So you want to be on top?" Think about how they mold those young naive girls into what they believe is most marketable. Think about them, no real identity. They are just a contestant in a race to be the next top celebrity who will only be there momentarily. Because someone will sure take their place, earlier if they act up. So you want to be on top? You better be prepared to give up your essence. You better be ready to work damn near to death while you lose your mind and forget your soul. 

BE GAY FOR PAY

Boy Bands and pedophilia in the industry.....GAY PAYS

You will see things their way, if you're going to be a sex symbol, they will most certainly want to sample the goods and if you reject, there are many more standing in the line you just waited in. Your dating life will be staged, your belief system corrupted but your bank account will grow. Your birthday party will be televised while your mother watches from home, with tears in her eyes, wondering if you got her card. 

You'll start to miss her, but there will be too many departing flights to remember what's wrong or right. 

Take off your clothes, give them your body, give everything to them. Join the party, start dancing, you won't even realize that you're not even dancing, they are moving your body for you. You will look up, to see people pulling strings. You will see yourself in an interview and wonder who that person is.

It'll be like someone else is famous and you are getting all of the credit for it. 

But hey, this is your dream right. I don't want to be a party pooper. 

Here are a couple of examples of the biggest whores in Hollywood. If you do what they did, then you have a pretty good chance of making it. 

KIMYE

Case Study

Whore makes history by making VOGUE cover

"Well.... I guess I'm cancelling my Vogue subscription. Who is with me???" -Actress, Sarah Michelle Gellar

Whores can now appear on the most coveted cover known to the gay man

On the Vogue Cover: Gia Carangi, April 1979

Vogue has pissed White people the hell off! It's name is synonymous with high fashion, as it has always been the top fashion magazine in the world. Any anorexic self loathing model who has graced it's cover, has earned the right to be there. However, it has also featured the unconventional, such as Lena Dunham and Michelle Obama. Whether it be Beverly Johnson, Gia Carangi or Kate Upton, it's look has helped to diversify an industry. It is just sad to me, that the days of glamour are gone. You know, when supermodels existed and major fashion magazines actually used working models for their covers. Gone are the glory days, when celebrities were mystifying, left their private lives to the imagination and magazine covers featured those who worked their asses off to get there. Gone are the days, when beauty was more than botox and stars were famous for a reason.

It seems that in 2014, to be mainstream, all you need is a dick to suck, a camera, and Ryan Seacrest. F.Y.I. It doesn't have to be an A list dick, nor a B list. I agree with Sarah Michelle Gellar, I am canceling my subscription to Vogue!!! Wait, I don't have a subscription to Vogue. So why the fuck do I care if she's on the cover? Oh I remember, PRINCIPLE.

Kim belongs on King magazine, not the cover of Vogue. Kris, the evil mother, has sold her cash cows at the auction block. I'm sure Kim will send her daughter North in every cardinal direction for the sake of the dynasty. This is why a Ralph's supermarket frozen foods section bimbo has made it in Hollywood. I am not a hater, so this will not be devoid of any praise to Kim. I commend her for being able to turn a negative, embarrassing sex tape, into a multi-million dollar career for herself. Her slutty mouth is responsible for countless people being able to feed their families. Her whoredom has gainfully employed lots of people! 

Except me! Where's my cut? Fuck these bitches!

But us regular Americans who are no where near Hollywood, are quite sick of Kim, Kimye and the Kardashian tribe of attention whores. Sometimes I wonder if these people are actually popular, or just being FORCED on to people.

BE AN OPPORTUNIST

Kim the opportunist has sucked more Black celebrity dick than Superhead and she finally met her match. Kanye, incorporated her into Kimye. The merger of their two brands, (This is how the Hollywood egoist elite think, love isn't a factor) became a celebration of the talentless art of overexposed narcissism. If you want to be a FORCE and not just a sound bite on Entertainment Tonight, then be an opportunist and BUILD UP your affiliations and partnerships. Look at marriage for what it really is, a business opportunity. All the greats did it, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn Monroe and now HER.

Kimye has made the top of my list of top earning Hollywood whores because they have sold themselves as well as their daughter. LITERALLY. (Sold photos of their GPS enabled daughter for millions)

I really just wish Kimye would fuck on that motorcycle, keep the cameras off and ride into the sunset, never to be seen again. I used to think Kanye was talented when he came out, but I soon realized it was an illusion. He was forced onto me as this conscious talented rapper who was actually brain dead. Instead of the rebel he dressed himself up as, he was apart of the problem of the establishment that he pretended to be against in his music. He created a brand which essentially is the act of brainwashing people into thinking they know who you are and what you stand for. But essentially, it's all smoke and mirrors. 

BE OPEN TO HUMILIATION

When Kanye married the biggest whore since Cleopatra, I asked God to give him herpes of the eyeball. I already hated Tyler Perry, but when he put this whore in his movie, I wanted to throw a pan of grits in his face. This was a woman who got married just for a television network to pay her a million bucks for a special, and you cast her as a marriage counselor in your film? Kimye doesn't care about their reputation, they will interrupt speeches or use blood as a skin creme. Just like Marilyn was willing to let her dress fly up, you must be willing to do whatever humiliating act they want you to partake in. They reward you when you prove you're loyal and trusting. Basically they reward you when you let them control you.

Final Kimye shade, I can't help it...

LUPITA NYONG'O needs to be on Vogue, Kimye needs to be at the Family Dollar shopping for paper plates. Being on the cover of Vogue has been a lifelong dream of Kim and I applaud her for her efforts. The thought of all that Black dick being lodged down her throat...Who says hard work doesn't pay off?! 

Now I am just waiting for the Kimye sex tape to leak.........................................................................

RIHANNA

Rihanna and fuck buddy Matt Kemp

BE AN INDUSTRY HOE

Rihanna has done the dutty wine on so much high yellow dick, that the centers for whore control have quarantined all light skin Black men, including Obama. From Chris Brown to Common; Matt Kemp to Drake; Dudley O'Shaughnessy to Ashton Kutcher (She went REALLY light skin with Ashton Kutcher) this hoe is about as loose as bowels after collard greens drenched in hot sauce. 

Whips and chains excite her and she wants you to suck her cockiness. This woman will sing about dick like it is paying the bills! Rumor has it that younger woman loving Jay Z put her on after he dicked her down. Kind of reminds me of Aaliyah and R. Kelly...but let's respect the dead. 

Anyway, Rihanna has no shame in her game, and that is quite attractive to me. I love her confidence and the way she can make the most dirtiest of subjects seem like harmless elevator talk. That woman has been yodeling and fucking her way to the top and there is no denying her status as a pop queen. 

Rihanna's main dick, Chris Brown

It's not like she has a Whitney Houston voice or can dance like Janet. It's not like her dutty wind is worthy of a wet tee shirt contest at a Caribbean festival in Fargo, North Dakota. What she has is ratchet pussy and an endless determination to dominate the charts. What she has are producers with their pants unzipped and a Rolodex full of pregnancy scares. The Barbadian bimbo has sold every ounce of whoever she was, to become a red carpet fashionista with stiletto nails and continuous number 1 singles. A true whore, will do whatever it takes, and Miss forehead, I mean, Rihanna, has DONE IT ALL. And I mean, DONE IT ALL...

I love me some Rihanna, if you're going to be a whore, flaunt it like it's Gucci and in season. She simply doesn't give a fuck as she rolls blunts on top of her bodyguards bald head and parades her men around like the court made her do community service. Come here rude boy!!! 

To make it in this industry, one has to give up their body and soul in the hope that Hollywood will leave the money and the rewards on the dresser. Sex, Drugs and Lucifer is the name of the game, and if you're not about at least one of these things, you'll be sent packing. Show them that you are willing to be controlled, possessed and used for their purposes, their agenda. It has nothing to do with you, even when they announce your name at the awards show. The illusion is that it is your ego that is being displayed when in actuality, it is theirs. So do all that applies to you, all that is expected of you, and remember, BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR, BECAUSE YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT. 

IS SEX LYING TO ME?

I love how you photograph

My words
Adore me until I end
The search.
Dressed up in nothing at all
For you,
Even if I'm not 
Your boo.
You're the only one
My life has just begun,
Now that you're here
Stay near.
I don't want to doubt this
Our chemistry
Strong like a fist...
But am I making more of this?

Are you making love, not sex 
With me?
We've studied each others minds
Give me my degree.
I may be shutting this bedroom down
and riding it 
like Greyhound,
But I know this affair
Isn't heaven bound.
You're going to leave me in the air...
and I won't even be aware.

My afterthoughts of your affections
Is me yearning for some direction
As I walk to my car...
Like a silly kid
Aimlessly wishing
Upon a star. 

Our clothes come off
We set it off
and I always wake up
ALONE.

You're just texts on the phone
Scented lube 
and cheap cologne,
Yet somehow I feel
I feel so much more
You've erupted the fire
Storm at my core. 
I'm digging your attributes
You're so damn cute
I know this should be superficial
We're not a show, just a commercial
Yet your hands 
Pull at my roots. 

And I love how you photograph

My words

Adore me until I end

The search.

Dressed up in nothing at all

For you,

Even if I'm not 

Your boo.

You're the only one

My life has just begun,

Now that you're here

Stay near.

Don't ever doubt this

Our bond fights like a fist

Please stay dressed

and seal this with a kiss.

10 HOT WHITE CELEBS THAT I JACK OFF TO

Maybe it was the sweaty lacrosse players at my predominately White private school, or the Jesus camp full of hot White camp counselors on horseback, but I've always had a thing for smoking hot White guys.
Nothing like olive toned skin against my browns. I get off on staring into baby blues or hazel heart breakers while running my fingers through his hair. Here is a list of the ten sexiest White male celebs who have made for hot jack off sessions. Don't act like you haven't jacked off or played in your watering hole to these men!

#1 Matthew McConaughey 

(Uncle Matt)

They say everything is big in Texas...
This man has to be a sin. His Texas accent alone always sends me up the wall. "Alright, alright, alright!" I'm imagining him talking me out of my underwear. His eyes run up and down my body like a sex offender, and I am just an innocent little boy who is allowing this grown Texan to verbally molest me. He's got on Wrangler jeans and a tank top. He is soaked in sweat and his curly sun bleached hair is pressed against his forehead.
Mr. McConaughey, I don't think I should show you my private parts. "It's alright! Let's see what you got in those briefs young one! Show Uncle Matt what he likes. Alright, alright, alright!"

Let me press pause on the movie...HELL YEA!

Oh whatever you say Uncle Matt. He knows I can't resist his slithering southern accent and his confident swag. The way he always seems to be naked or shirtless in the films he's in is like he's beckoning me. Even when he stood up on that stage to accept his Oscar, he had me gasping for air. I would love to ride his rodeo. Lassos and lubricants. I would grab the bull by the horns and blow.

#2 Zach Efron 

(Brosky Zachary)

Oh Zachary, how you have bulked up since your teen idol days. You're in my age group and I feel like we have grown up together. You used to be so Disney corny but now you make me devilishly horny. I can't help but scroll through all of your beach photos. Your soaking wet body glistens in the Pacific sun and I have no choice but to grab my groin as I gaze at your chiseled abs. I love how you don't shave your pits, such a man. You used to look too innocent, too boyish, but now you' re a certified man. You had the audacity to be completely naked in "That Awkward Moment" and it drove me wild. I hate those girls who share your love scenes. You're such a hot jock, something out of a frat house. Or maybe you're a surfer? A surfer turned frat boy. I want to come to your frat house and get drunk with you. "CHUG IT BRO!" You yell at me with your deep voice. I have no choice. I do as I am told by my "bro." You are in a ripped sports jersey and board shorts. You look at me with crazy intensity with those baby blues. When we are too drunk to stand up, we lay down on the bed. Soon your board shorts are coming off and I bury my face in that pubic hair. I imagine its a huge mound of dark brown goodness. I bet it smells like the ocean.

Need help with that bro?

"Suck it bro!" You tell me as you gaze down at me with your mouth hanging open. I am like a little college girl who you managed to bag. Feel free to give your bros a high five after you release yourself all over my face.                                      I. WILL. CHUG. THE. ENTIRE. KEG.

I would lick every inch of your body bro. Your perfect smooth ass, your hairy armpits and that V-cut all the way down to your nut sack.
You seem vain, and I would expect nothing less than an amazing stripper performance from you. Nothing corny like Magic Mike, but seductive and sensual. Slowly take that tank top over your head and gaze at me with those intense eyes while you do it. That's right, your tight underwear are pushed down just enough, so that I can see the top of your pubic region.

You make me feel so perverted Zachary. I can't resist those nipples and that boyish charm. You love showing off that body. That California pretty boy face makes me feel like this is a teenage love affair.
I just want to meet you so I can smell your shampoo. I want to experience the majesty that are those eyes in person.
I want you. All of you. I will make love to your soul.

#3 Jared Leto

(JESUS)

Jesus, forgive me, for I am about to sin

30 Seconds to Mars? You better last longer than that, and I want to go beyond Mars. Take me to the Andromeda galaxy and beyond. I want to howl, convulse and scream. Your hair is something out of the Old Testament. You look like a sexy Jesus and I want to get down on my knees and repent. Please baptize me. Baptize all of me, in the nude. I want to be submerged in you because I know that you can pick me back up and have me walking on water. It is miraculous that you are over forty and look like a delicious twenty-five. Your eyes are similar to Zach's and your compassion for your family is even more of a turn on. Your Oscar speech was compelling. I couldn't help but melt when you started talking about people with dreams in places like Venezuela. You are so insightful, so humble and so damn Biblical. It's like the second coming and I want to wash your feet. I bet your breath smells like granola and your hair feels like silk.
I am quite confident that your love making is spiritual and Oscar worthy. But I am sure, that no woman has ever faked it with you.

I bet you use your mouth when making love and I am quite sure that your rod and staff will comfort me. I want to sin in the city of angels with you. I want to tempt you.
Oh Jared, I hear you like dark women like Lupita. But what about dark men like Isayaah? I will turn you out and leave no apologies. You like the itty bitty titty committee? Well I don't have any! So I'm even better! Now strum my electric guitar so I can feel the high voltage. Hit high notes on my microphone, then take a low bow.
Your music inspires me, your hair seduces me and your eyes drive me crazy. Take me Jesus! Amen.

#4 Channing Tatum

(Officer Dick)

"21 Jump Street" showed me that you really are a dumb police officer, who only pulled me over to screw me. I swear I was going the speed limit. Wait, get out of my car? What did I do? You slam me against the hood of my car. You pat me down. You make sure to check every part of my body, especially my ass crack. You reach between my legs and grab me aggressively. After all, I could have a concealed weapon. But the only concealed weapon I have is...

And I don't mind your big-for-a-white-boy lips all over my rifle. I also hear you are BIG for a white boy. 

I saw you in Magic Mike, but you kept that penis from me. Why? You had me rock hard in my theater seat and you didn't let me release. So here we are. I'm laid up on the hood of my car with your hard baton against my ass. You keep yelling at me, cursing with Ebonics like a wigga. You take your pants off and mine as well. You tell me you need to see if I am hiding drugs in my ass. 

The thought of these two making a gay porn together....*FAINTS*

So you spread my cheeks apart and bury your tongue in my hole. Oh officer Dick! Officer Dick! You handcuff me and I am left helpless on the hood of my car while you stick your big stick inside of me. Damn it's big! You flip me around and your lips meet mine. Your lips are so big, pink and succulent. You're an amazing kisser, so passionate. I didn't expect this. As soon as I hear fireworks you slam me back down on the hood. You fuck me like the meaningless rape session this is. No one should catch feelings with you. You're just a hardcore wigga in a police uniform who is here to dick me down until I have an asthma attack. Funny thing is, I don't even have asthma. 

FLATLINE _____________________________________________________________________

#5 Ryan Reynolds

(Pooky Bear)

You are too adorable to think of in a perverted way. I just want to grab your face the way my grandmother used to do and make baby noises at you. But then I want to ride your dick like Sea Biscuit.
Sorry. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH........

Your body is amazing. Your jacked body is surprising, and that's the way I like it. You know the kind of guy who is cute but nothing amazing. But then he takes off his shirt and its like BAM! It all comes together in more ways than one. Ryan, my pooky bear, you are so hot. From those puppy dog eyes to those hard biceps. I can't get enough of you. You looked sexy as fuck in The Proposal with your I-pod in your ears as you walked about shirtless. I was so aroused. I was so confused as to why Sandra didn't just ride you on set. 

You seem like you are so great at pillow talk. I bet you watch cartoons in your underwear. I would get down between your....
I think there is a common theme here, eyes. I love eyes. Deep set and intense. All these guys have it. I can't get enough. Get me lost in them.

Pooky Bear, I want to slow dance with you on a rooftop deck. Stare into your puppy eyes and have you tell me, you will be with me forever. I'll aggressively rip your dress shirt apart and attack your huge hard pecs. I want to suck those nipples and taste every ripple in those abs. Don't mind me, I am just spreading olive oil on your ass cheeks because I am preparing my dinner. You smell sweet and your big hands are so strong against my body. I feel protected with you. Even though this is a jack off fantasy, I can't help but think this is real. The way you look at me, it feels so familiar. I can see you in a movie and instantly feel like you grew up in my neighborhood, and now I've developed a crush. You're so tall, so bulky, there's so much MAN to enjoy!!!!! I bet you would make me laugh after sex. I bet you would be down for some kinky fun like vodka infused whipped cream on the nipples and sex on top of the washing machine. SPIN CYCLE.

#6 Joe Manganiello

(Alcide)

Any questions? 

I discovered this God through one of my favorite shows, True Blood. His character was perfect for his look. He's all WOLF. His sex scenes were the best ones to jack off too. Sure the other guys on the show were hot, but Joe had an animalistic way of fucking that was jack off GOLD! His huge, tight, plump ass, often made a cameo. The way his clothes would fall off as he turned into a wolf. The way he would grunt and grown. The manliness of him is unrivaled. He is all MAN. I want him in a flannel shirt, unbuttoned of course. Ax in hand as he approaches me from the woods. I'm on my back porch, waiting for him to finish a days worth of manual labor in the yard. He's so sweaty and he smells ALL MAN. He pushes me down on the wooden patio, rips off my jeans and fucks my virgin ass violently like the wolf that he is. He howls and groans, his spit for lube and his huge calloused hands all over my young body. 

Alcide doesn't know anything about foreplay. He goes for what he wants. He attacks and feeds his hunger. You better get ready, because there's nothing gentle about his touch. There's nothing small about his canine cock. He's got a huge mushroom head and thick veins popping out of the side. Bowling balls instead of nuts, he spews liters of cum feet away. He is a real animal. Not only will the sheets be ripped off the bed, but your skin off your back. He will fuck you halfway up the wall and leave your underwear dangling from the ceiling fan. It's hot as Hell in the room, because he is in it. Daddy Joe, Pack-master Alcide, TAKE ME! Take me right here, right now. I've been a bad puppy, I need you to daddy dog me. 

#7 Bradley Cooper

(Daddy Coop)

There goes those intense baby blues again. That wavy hair is enough to make you pull a "There's Something about Mary" on him. He's even got the most adorable nose! I just want to eat ice cream off of his body. A messy Sundae. Chocolate syrup everywhere. I'll put those big and low, two scoops of vanilla in my mouth. I'll make it melt!

"Oh Bradley! Oh Bradley!" I scream as he passionately kisses me with ice cream still in his mouth. I can't get enough of daddy Coop, especially when he throws me over his knee and spanks me. He loves to bring out his belt. He likes to be in control. He always gets away with it because I can't resist that smile. He's got so much nice in his eyes but so much bad in his swag. I love how he can go from the good responsible guy you bring home to mama, to certified bad boy in less than sixty seconds. He would be versatile in bed if he were gay. We would do it in the shower.

There is no denying, this man is drop dead gorgeous and dangerously delicious. He can sit down at my all you can eat buffet and celebrate FAT TUESDAY! 

I need him now, against the rocks on a seashore. Banging me like there's no tomorrow. I need to taste his chest hair, stick my tongue in his navel and titillate his taint. I would laugh at his corny jokes, then cry like a baby while he made sweet love to me on the recliner. Is there a reason why you are not jacking off to him? Get your lube, because this man is worth every stroke. Oh daddy Coop! Daddy Coop! Teach me a lesson! I will never go through your underwear drawer ever again! I am such a bad boy! Please don't spank me! Please don't spank....Don't....Ooooh spank me! 

SPANK ME! I AM SO SORRY DADDY! BRADLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#8 Ted Tebow

(Teddy)

So everyone thinks I am weird for having a major crush on Teddy. But there is just something about this super rich jock that gets me going. I don't even watch football but I somehow know who he is. Maybe it's the happy trail...That man hair leading from his navel to his nether regions. It's a sexy hint as to the hairy mass that is down below, beneath that cup. I want him to come into my bedroom, in nothing but under armour. The sex expression on his face alone would curl my toes. His tongue is soon all over my body. I am squirming all over the bed, rolling around in the sheets with a massive man and forgetting my morals. I am committing sins on his body and he on mine. I lick the stubble on his chin, his musty balls and I smell his jock strap. I am a nasty fool for him and I don't give a flying fuck. This man has me wearing his jersey to bed and dreaming about touchdowns in my end zone. Tackle me Teddy! I am going to let you score daddy!!! Take it all the way home! Take it home Teddy! You smell like motor oil.

Fuck me on the grass, I don't care whose in the bleachers. I want it now. Damn you look so good in those tight pants, let me see what that ass looks like. I imagine it's a smooth firm ass with a lot of hair in the middle. I'd love to taste his juicy lips and feel his tongue go everywhere. Like a serpent in my mouth.

I would bury my face in his armpits and have him flex his biceps while I lick his.................................

Teddy is so damn fine. I don't give a fuck, I can be in front or behind. I love this all American hunk of meaty manliness. He's like one of those popular guys from high school who you used to peek at in the locker room. You always fantasized about what it would be like to sleep over his place. To wake up to his dick in your face. You always thought, yea, he's probably hung. But maybe it's just the cup. UNLEASH IT!

#9 Mark Wahlberg

(Marky Mark)

He is becoming less appealing as he gets older; I.E. check him out on his reality show, "Wahlburgers."

But that edgy Boston hustler swag still gets me going. Just like Matthew, he can talk me out of my underwear. That heavy Boston accent is an aphrodisiac. I loved the ole Marky Mark back in the day in the Calvin Klein ads. That was when he was at the height of his heart-throbness. The man is still in good shape and still commands a room. I wouldn't mind having a hoagie and beers with him. For some reason, we end up in some back alley in South Boston with my hands up against a brick wall. Mark is behind me, in nothing at all. He keeps cursing at me with that Boston accent. I keep calling him "Marky Mark" and he hates it. Every time I call him that he fucks me harder as punishment and hits me upside the head. BUT I LOVE IT! I think his bad boy image is what turns most people on about him. It's his body, his tough guy act and his around the way appeal that gets me to watch his movies in the buff. I love me some Marky Mark. I know he likes it rough.

#10 Brad Pitt

(Tyler)

The movie that inducted Mr. Pitt into my jack off catalog, was none other than, "Fight Club." Pitt's character, Tyler Durden was the sexiest man I had ever seen in a movie. I would jack off to several of the scenes. He was so fucking physically fit. So buff, so manly, and the film was so homoerotic. Nothing but macho half naked men every where. Nothing but Brad Pitt's succulent pink lips, seductive eyes and testosterone fueled anger. Tyler was the sexiest version of Brad in my opinion. He just exuded that hot delinquent whose always drunk at your local dive bar. You always want to take him home but are too afraid he's going to rob you for drug money. His character was so real. How could he still be so sexy with all that blood all over himself? Black eyes and cigarette breath, I would still ride him in a warehouse as all the angry fighters watch us. Tyler, I know the rules of fight club, But I want to know, can we fuck at fight club?

Did I forget how fine he was in "Interview with the Vampire"? He was the sexiest vamp I had ever seen. Brad does look good with long hair, just not with a long beard. Facial hair is not his thing. But I digress. He was the originator of pretty White guy. Jared and Zach need to pay homage. Brad has been giving beautiful Cover Girl face for decades now. It's a wonder how someone that pretty can also be so macho and sexy?

Look at those lips. That bottom lip is just sitting. Looking like a plump red vagina that needs to be fucked. His lips are something like a fleshlight. I just want to get head from him before I die! I am sure Angelina is getting amazing head. But I don't want to think about her pussy. I would rather think about Brad being seductively evil and luring me closer. BITE ME! Bite so we can fuck for eternity! EVIL IS GOOD.

This is overkill. Overalls without a shirt? You're killing me Brad!

If Lupita Nyong'o were LIGHT SKIN

The standard of beauty in America, has always been debated, fought against and scrutinized. Magazine covers have featured all races and sizes, but the prevalent recurring images of what is bankable, marketable and beautiful, tends to be a slender, White woman or fair skinned person of color.
Black women in America, have not often been celebrated. When a Black woman such as Lupita Nyong'o is intensely celebrated, for her craft and/or beauty, it is usually because of White and/or light skin guilt.

The Oscars are notorious for this. Throughout the years, Black women have only won and been nominated for Oscars because they have played the roles of victims. Halle Berry was victimized by White people and so was Viola Davis. Do I need to mention the others? Monique, Gabourey Sidibe and yes, Hattie McDaniel. The list continues a couple of names more but it is not long. The list of Black actresses who have been nominated and/or won Oscars is so short, that a pattern is sure to emerge. The pattern is that Black people win and get nominated for Oscars by being stereotypes and victims. Guilty White people celebrate them for being hopelessly Black and often exploit their performances of being victimized.

Lupita Nyong'o in 12 Years a Slave

This brings us to the Academy Awards of 2014.

Before anyone got dressed for the ceremony, buzz surrounded a beautiful, statuesque dark skin Kenyan, who wore elegant bright dresses. 12 Years a Slave was the big contender for the Oscars, having nominations in several categories. She was the depressed star of that film.

I couldn't help but be a little cynical about the whole Lupita craze. It seems that for the last decade, there is always ONE chosen Black woman who is nominated out of the sea of White women who don't need any more statues anyway.

Everyone would oooh and ahhh at how BEAUTIFUL and STUNNING this woman was at the award shows she attended. Don't get me wrong, she is GORGEOUS inside and out, but they praised her for her natural look and her dark skin as if she were something they've never seen before. They acted as if no beauty like hers ever graced the earth, sure, a beauty her color rarely walks the red carpet at the Oscars, but to patronize her with ridiculous glorification is telling. Black people spread her image around social media and treated her as if she were some kind of revolutionary, a new Angela Davis who would soon turn the tables. But what tables is she turning? It's not like she is the first brown skin woman with a natural to appear in a movie. What about Leslie Uggams in Roots, Grace Jones in Boomerang, Sophie Okonedo in Hotel Rwanda, or Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost? Oh, bad example, Whoopi was nominated for an Oscar for that role. But then again, she shucked and jived throughout the entire movie opposite sophisticated White people. And let's be honest, Whoopi is ugly as fuck, and it has nothing to do with her darker skin tone.

Would Lupita Nyong'o be as celebrated, if she were light skin with a natural? If she looked like, Solonge Knowles, would Black people put her as high on a pedestal as they have been doing?

You see Black people feel good about saying how beautiful a dark skin woman is, because after all, it makes them feel good about themselves. It is almost seen as blasphemy to speak highly of someone like the light skin Vanessa Williams (there is a dark skin one) while shrugging your shoulders at Lupita. Black people enjoy being victims, and they enjoy hating on light skin celebrities. They love to attribute the success of a light skin Black woman to her "watered down" Blackness, and most of the theories would be accurate, except for one thing;

Black people helped to create this standard of beauty.

And most of the time, light skin is more marketable, more mainstream, we know this. We understand the Beyonce over the Kelly and who has the same exact name but vastly different levels of success.

It is only when the mainstream, or White America, places a dark skin woman with a natural in the limelight, that Black people take notice. The establishment had to put Lupita in a wheelchair, disguised as a pedestal, dress her up in order for us to agree that she is beautiful. We didn't give this same attention to other dark beautiful people who have been in countless movies and have walked on countless runways.

Supermodel Alek Wek

We exaggerate Lupita's beauty and place her in a position of "revolutionary." After all, Lupita took the role of victim and ran with it. She went on a campaign at award shows and discussed the standard of beauty in Hollywood. She can't just be a talented actress who accepts awards as a talented actress. Behold, a dark skin African woman whose mission is to break down barriers and shut down notions of standards of beauty. Black people devour this because we want her to be a victim like us. She can't just be a beautiful woman. She has to have a purpose, she needs to have a cause. She has to carry the burden of being dark skin and she has to acknowledge it in interviews. Halle Berry, though brown skin, had a similar burden. She had to talk about the nameless Black faces. Berry won because of White guilt, Lupita, because of Black guilt, and there is a slight difference. We must exaggerate her beauty and act as if she is unique. We have to say, LOOK AT HER, shes got nappy hair and the White people are giving her awards for being a slave! We have finally made it. We didn't feel that Halle's award was legit because she was bare chested, half White and rode a White man's penis. But we do think that a dark skin Black woman who tells the slave master that she has picked enough cotton is not only worthy of an Oscar, but even MORE worthy. Even if the exploitative level of Black victimization is equivalent. Her award show tour de force, is more worthy because she is Black as night. She's the face of our ever belabored struggle, even though she probably doesn't have American slaves in her ancestry, but looks like our "BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL" propaganda posters.

12 Years a Slave director, Steve McQueen is Black, so is Cheryl Boone Isaacs, President of The Academy, but their hands only move for White people. We celebrate them as if they have taken off our shackles, meanwhile, Angela Bassett has never shopped for a dress. She played powerful roles without feeling bad about herself, roles that were just as dynamic as Meryl Streeps, but as a Black actress, burning cars isn't as Oscar worthy as picking cotton. I digress, but just a little.

Lupita's dark skin seems to be seen as a handicap. Don't get me wrong, darker skin doesn't have as many mainstream advantages as lighter skin in this country, but the way people have posted her up like Obama's rising sun of change, feels patronizing. Sort of like an amputee from the special olympics who dared to compete in the real olympics. We use her to represent us, even though she is not from the same continent we are from and her life experiences are vastly different than that of our own.

Sophie Okonedo from Hotel Rwanda, too light for sympathy

If she were light skin like Sophie Okonedo with a Nebraska accent, no one would give even a quiet damn. She would be a pretty face that Black people are afraid to take notice of and a talented Black actress that Hollywood couldn't make a statement out of.

She's a beautiful and talented woman. She went to Yale for God sakes, it's not like she's a random nobody who got a meal ticket. It is simply apparent to me that her dark skin, natural hair and birth certificate from an African nation, gives her a boost in visibility. They have attached a cause to her, they have given her a burden and she is capitalizing off of it. She is exploited for being the antithesis of beauty while being celebrated for her beauty.

Angelina and baby Lupita

When she won her Oscar for best supporting actresses, she made it a point to play the victim role again. "No matter where you are from, your dreams are valid." It was a very true statement as millions grow up in seemingly impossible conditions where there seems to be no way out. But that line had a purpose. As if there was a debate that anyone's dreams are not valid, she stood there and made it about being African, just like her award was about being a slave. Angelina Jolie looked up at her from the audience like a sympathetic humanitarian, just waiting to adopt her and give her a better life.

I've never seen White people applaud so vigorously before. The White guilt was pathetic. Where was applause like this for the other winners? I can't help but feel that every time a Black actor/actress gets an Oscar, the applause sounds like missionaries who just saved a Malaria victim.

It was refreshing that in the midst of the pity party disguised as a celebration for her, Lupita drew attention to the real historic figure, Patsey, of whom she played.

Dark skin with a burden of validating her skin tone

Lupita is an intelligent, well spoken, dynamic actress who deserves the best roles in Hollywood. However, they have already made her bed. WE have already made her bed. We have given her burdens and made her the poster girl for I'm unconventional and Black as ever, affirm me. You know, what India Airie was at the Grammy's those many years ago.

All I want to know is, when will a dark skin Black woman with a natural simply be another great actress, instead of a speech about the standards of beauty and 15 minutes of White applause?

When will her beauty be less surprising?
The compliments less patronizing?
The awards more diversified for roles more modernized?

When will she be a woman?

Instead of a campaign.

Are we trying to convince Whites, or ourselves? We should know this

Congrats Lupita! Keep your TALENT in the forefront